In this pioneering work, a renowned happiness scientist
and a top relationship researcher draw on the science of happiness, love, and
human connection to offer a powerful framework to help readers appreciate and
nurture what makes them feel truly loved.
We can be loved—and still not feel loved. Many people
believe that if they behave the right way, say the right things, or make
themselves more lovable, they will feel more loved. But this kind
of reflexive thinking is fundamentally misguided, causing a disconnect that can
lead to loneliness, depression, and self-doubt. Sonja Lyubomirsky, the world’s
preeminent expert on happiness, and Harry Reis, one of the world’s leading
experts on relationships and connection, have studied the complexities of
well-being and love in depth. Truly feeling loved, they’ve discovered, differs
widely from the actions that we usually associate with loving, being loved, and
falling in love.
In this exceptional book, they present a radical, hopeful,
and science-backed shift in how to think about love, revealing that feeling
loved isn’t about making ourselves more appealing, available, and lovable—it’s
about showing our full and vulnerable selves to others and encouraging our
loved ones to reveal their full and vulnerable selves to us. This is true for
romantic love but also for the love we feel in friendship, family, and beyond.
In How to Feel Loved, they introduce five
powerful mindsets—tools to help us feel the love we crave with the people in
our lives.
A Sharing mindset—showing our vulnerabilities
and inner world, not just the polished parts
A Listening-to-Learn mindset—making space to
truly tune in to another, not just to take turns speaking
A Radical Curiosity mindset—being genuinely
interested in another and asking better questions
An Open-Heart mindset—being kind and affirming
to another for who they truly are
A Multiplicity mindset—embracing the messy
complexity in all of us
These mindset shifts give shape to a dynamic back-and-forth
process the authors call the Relationship Sea-Saw, which will help readers
remake their conversations in ways that enable them to deeply know those they
love and become deeply known by them. It isn’t enough to be loved. To be truly
fulfilled, we must feel loved. This book shows us how.
About the Author
Sonja Lyubomirsky (A.B., Harvard, summa
cum laude; Ph.D., Stanford) is Distinguished Professor at the University of
California, Riverside and author of the bestselling The How of
Happiness and The Myths of Happiness, which have been
translated in thirty-nine countries. She has received numerous awards for her
work and has been featured in a wide range of media, including the New
York Times, the Washington Post, and The Atlantic and
on the Today show, NPR, and CNN. She lives in Santa Monica,
California, with her family.
Harry T. Reis (B.S., City College of New York;
Ph.D., New York University) is Dean's Professor in the Department of Psychology
at the University of Rochester, which honored him with the Georgen Award for
Distinguished Achievement and Artistry in Teaching in 2009. He has received
many other awards, and his work is frequently featured in the media, including
NPR’s Hidden Brain, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and
the New York Times. He lives in Rochester, New York, with his
family.
